Don't sweat the small stuff....

I know..easier said than done. I sweat every detail of life whether big or small. I'm working on it. I am literally "sweating" right now as the thermostat reads 94 degrees and sweat rolls down my chest and back. It is night #3 and no AC. I have chosen to sit here even though I have been given many options of places to go. It's like my own cross to bear and I must feel the weight of it w/ all the aches and pains.

Passed another class today as well! 97 and missed one question which really p'd me off but my instructor (who was the same one who taught my very first class -and the hardest of the 5 - stayed patiently w/ me as I was the VERY last person to finish my test b/c the pressure of "you have NO choice but to pass Maggie...NOT an option" rang in my ears)looked at me and said today after grading my test.. "You did it kid" and I couldn't help but let out a F*$# YEAH!! As I bask in all my glory, while riding home in my car, I remember that as it is 100 degrees outside right now and I am hotter than haites even w/ my AC blowing full blast and I am STILL sweating, that I get to go home to a house that will feel the exact same inside as it does out. So, what do you do?? I went straight to the movie theatre to see if anything was playing at that exact moment of interest and nada. So only other option was to go home and sweat it out. My decision totally. I have been given many options. I cleaned, laundered, watered, and vacuumed. My house looks great but still hot as hell. If only I could go jump in my own private pool in the back, I would seriously get one of those huge double floats and sleep on the water all night!!!!

A really good friend of mine lost her Mom last night. Her Mom has been dealing w/ something that left her paralyzed from neck down and she was depressed about it. She is now dancing in heaven w/ God. Another amazing friend of mine, Christine, has an AMAZING Mom who went in for emergency heart surgery and came out of it w/ no legs from the knees down, no left hand, and missing most of her fingers on her right hand now due to blood loss that wasn't even supposed to happen. Do you want to know how she is doing?? She's doing GREAT!!!!! Whatever has happened to me this year, so small compared to these women. My other really good friend, Jen B, lost her Dad to suicide earlier this year. It was the week before Marc moved out. I was already depressed and then after the week after, I felt I couldn't breathe anymore.

So, as I sit here in this sweltering heat and have beads of sweat on my upper lip, forehead, and nose, I am going to THANK God for giving me the chance to feel this. My daughter is happy, I have a job, I have an extremely loving family, and the most amazing friends and I am going to try and remember all of this. This has been an extremely hard week on my emotionally. I have cried more this week than in last month. Maybe 2-3 months. Life is never easy but it is what it is. You have no control, it just happens. I am literally powerless as to what happens and just hope I can come out on the other side. So many people who have just been here for me when I expected them to be b/c of my relationship w/ them and then to the amazing people who come out of no where and do or say something that causes me to break down and in a good way...THANK YOU. It lets me be thankful for the happiness in my life and not constantly dwell on the bad. Don't get me wrong. I'm not perfect and not acting like or promising I will not break down in tears next time you ask me "how are you doing Maggie?" but just saying...for tonight, I am going to sit here in this heat and thank God for this gift. The gift of life and most of all...survival. I SURVIVED. I may not be 100% happy or don't cry 3 times a day, but I am alive and survived. I already thank him every single day for giving me a child that literally was my reason to live in the last 5 months. I am by far not the best parent but I'm trying. I love Avery and she loves me and that is enough. Thank you to all my friends and family who have held me as I cried, laughed, and loved this past 5 months. I will never forget how "eye-opening" this year has been and can't wait to put it behind me. Don't sweat it...it's hard to say but I'm trying!!